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5 Steps to Sparks!

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Let the sparks flyWhat good is a date night if it doesn’t involve at least a few exciting sizzles and sparks?  Remember when you were young with a pile of debt and problems trailing you constantly, but when you went on a date, your worries faded away completely?  You would get so caught up in the excitement of the moment and the sizzling chemistry between you and your date that the rest of the world ceased to matter.  You might have been so broke that a date was simply escaping together to  hold hands by the pond in the moonlight, but even that simple connection between you was enough to hold your attention for hours.  And, goodness, kissing generated enough heat to light a bonfire in both of you.  Oh, the passion was incredible, wasn’t it?  

If you think you are too old to feel passionate, you need to shake yourself straight.  While we can’t recover our youthful innocence, there is absolutely no reason that we should give up those intense feelings of desire, love and attraction.  After all, if you are with someone you love enough to spend years with, isn’t that the person worthy of our most intense passion?  Of course it takes a bit of effort to keep a fire burning, but if the campfire is worth it, isn’t our relationship?  Anyone can fuel and grow romance if they choose to do so.  The bigger question is, why would you not?  

While there are unending ways to fan the flames of romance, we have a few easy suggestions to get you started for your next date night:   

  1. Allow plenty of time to get ready without rushing. Dress for your date with care and attention.  Preferably in a separate location from your partner, if possible, or at least at different times.  (There isn’t anything like having someone’s eyes open wide in admiration upon seeing you all gussied up.)   While getting ready, focus on your favorite parts of your body as you shower and prepare.  It sounds silly, but get your confidence flowing by verbalizing compliments to yourself.  While you aren’t perfect, focus and acknowledge the things that make you feel attractive.  It might be your beautiful eyes, muscular legs, soft skin or thick hair, whatever it is, sincerely appreciate it.  Don’t let yourself get distracted with negative thoughts, simply shoo them away like a pesky flyDress to enhance what you feel good about; you have happier things to concentrate on.  If you aren’t used to “liking” yourself, allow yourself plenty of time for this and then make it a regular routine even after the date.  Confidence is the most attractive thing about anyone. And, frankly, it is the absolute one thing that we can totally control, so make sure you wear it well.  Then the rest will be a piece of cake.  Once cloaked in a comfortable layer of cheerful self appreciation, make sure that everything else you layer on feels equally flattering to your spirit.  If you don’t feel attractive and sensuous, it’s really tough for anyone else to convince you that you are.  The sad corollary, is that it’s also then equally difficult for you to believe anyone else is attracted to you.  Few of us are unfamiliar with this negative cycle, but with age comes the wisdom that this is absolutely within your own control. If you are serious about reigniting romance in your life, you absolutely must allow for the confidence that you are deserving of attraction.  And make no mistake about it, this applies to men and women equally.  Men are often quieter about their body issues, but lack of muscle tone or hair can wreak havoc with a man’s ego just as much as childbirth can a woman’s.  No one is immune to self doubt and it’s foolish to pretend otherwise, even to yourself.  So speak nicely to that beautiful soul in your mirror, regardless of your gender.
  2. Consider using a new (or long ago favorite) scent for your cologne, aftershave, or perfume.  Most of us don’t realize that our sense of smell impacts us so significantly, but it does.  Wearing a different scent will subtly shift the dynamics of your interaction with your partner from the very beginning, thus opening the door for other exciting sensations as well.
  3. Touch is romanceMake sure your date knows that you want to do something special for both of you.  This isn’t just about one person getting what they want.  A good date requires that each participant feels important, valued and their desires are fueled.  If one of you hates football, don’t start trying to build the fire upon your martyrdom.  Plan a date that interests both of you.  Let them know that you want to let go of the typical patterns that have developed in your relationship and find new, exciting and joyful ways to connect.  Invite them to also free themselves of any habits or constraints they wish to shed in order to relate to you in a freshly honest manner.  Share your verbal enthusiasm for their company along with physical expressions of affection and attraction.
  4. Use your fingers to feed your lover a few bite size bits of something during the date.  Do it slowly and deliberately, letting your fingers linger in and around their mouth.  Make sure to encourage them to lick your fingers clean, before you do the same (just to make sure they are really clean, wink, wink).  This simple act can remind both of you how much sensuous pleasure can be had no matter how little privacy you have.     
  5. Find unexpected ways to touch your partner from the onset of the date.   If you often hold hands, wrap an arm around them instead.  Hold their face between both hands and look into each other’s eyes before giving a gentle and loving kiss.  Stroke their hair or neck if you are next to each other. Old is new againPut a hand on their arm or thigh and lean in closer to talk to them.  Perhaps rub their hand across a table, slowly and deliberately, paying particular attention to their fingers.  Simple things like putting your finger on their lips, or placing your palm against their face can ignite feelings you may have forgotten you shared.  Think back to your dating days and remember where your partner’s hot spots are so you can make use of them.  Maybe even remind them of what used to happen when you did ____ to them.  Tease them and do it now to see if you can encourage the same reaction again.   Changing your usual behaviors may feel a little weird to both of you, but the fact is that sparks come from friction, not complacency.  Don’t hesitate to address any awkwardness frankly though. Laughing together about how it can feel funny to try new things after so long of doing things the same way can bond you, while clearing the air of the “old” and opening both of you to different expressions of affection or desire.  After all, you want the friction to be of the mysterious “who knows what will happen next” kind, not the “why aren’t you acting like I expect you to?” variety.

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